This is one of those evenings where if I was prone to giving in to a fit of tears and curling up in bed, I'd be there.

Why am I so upset?

Well I can't find my old cell phone (the new one is in the shop) and looking for something I've misplaced always frustrates me.

So I came online to talk to someone or something but nobody's around. So I read a new blog that I've discovered and she's got her dream job right now and even though she went through the hell of low self esteem and we seem to have shared similar experiences on the road to getting our degrees, I am upset that I'm still in the looking stage while she was approached by her new place of work.

Granted, from the little I've read of her she worked hard and sent her resume around quite a bit. But still: why do things like that seem to happen to others but not me?

And then in other stupid things I did today, I emailed some guy that I told myself I wouldn't email. Sound familiar?I had a good reason to do so but there will never be a good reason to contact someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. The problem is that he doesn't make me feel bad about myself in the conventional way. It's my own fault that I've allowed him to hurt me. But I'm just sick of it. Why do all my interactions with men who start off as friends then turn into deep crushes (always only on my part) end up hurting so much? I'm really sick of that, you know? Yet I'm sure the next time some awesome unavailable guy tries to enter my life, I'll leave the door wide open and even offer him a drink or something. I don't learn.

Also, I'm trying to do something about my weight and a few people know. So because they're good friends they think it's great to ask me questions about how it's going and what the challenges I'm facing are, etc. I appreciate this, really I do because I need people inquiring in order to stick with things of this nature but I'm also feeling a bit stifled from all the attention right now.

Speaking of attention, I think I need more alone time. I like doing what I want when I want to and lately that has not been happening.

You know what? I'm not happy.

Posted on 2005-05-13 at 12:16 a.m. |